Bloody massacre of the nonce

CAPTAIN: "Captain's log! Galactic! Standard date! Six six five! Point! Nine seven! We are! Returning! To! The planet! Keshozero! To! Retrieve! A! Scientific! Survey crew! Which has! Been ! Surveying! The planet! For! The past! Two weeks! This is a! Routine! And! Boring! Mission! We can! Expect! That! Nothing! Interesting! Will! Happen!"

.....

On the surface of the planet, the red-shirted survey squad stands together in a small area. One of the female surveyors speaks into her communicator.

SURVEYOR: "Survey team to ship, we are ready for teleporAIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

On board the ship, the teleporter operator rushes to beam them up before whatever happened gets worse.

OPERATOR: "Holds onta' ya shorts yas, I's a pickin' yous up as fast I can."

A shimmer of light signals the start of the teleportation. When the sequence ends, we see a bloody hand hanging over the edge of the teleporter platform. The operator is in shock; it is clear that the entire survey team is dead.

There is one survivor on the teleporter platform: a large man holding a machete and wearing a weathered bloodstained jacket and a hockey mask. Only the audience will recognize him as Jason from the Friday the 13th movies.

OPERATOR: "Hey, yous awrite? Wassa widda gettup dere?"

Jason stands up and approaches the teleporter operator.

OPERATOR: "Yousa din't do this, di' ya?"

The operator begins backing up as Jason gets nearer.

OPERATOR: "Hey, whos are ya? Yousa gonna talk? Hey! HEY! AAAAAAAAAAH!"

.....

The dashing young Captain in his unique yellow shirt enters the teleporter room along with a calm blue-skinned alien and a green-skinned alien whose uniform is augmented by an amulet around his neck and a sheathed sword at his hip. The grumpy doctor and two of his assistants are already there. The room is splattered with more blood than could conceivably have been contained within the victims.

DOCTOR: "It's a massacre, Captain."

CAPTAIN: "What! Or who? Could have! Done this?"

The blue-skinned alien speaks. "It appears that we have been visited by a malevolent entity."

The green-skinned alien gruffly adds his opinion. "We should consider it hostile!"

CAPTAIN: "Agreed! Professor! Zoxor! Adjust the! Internal scanners! To search for! Any! Non-human! Life forms! On board! Security! Chief Komak! Organize! Patrols! To search for! The! Malevolent! Entity! But first how! Did it get! On board! How! Did it enter! The ship! How! Did it enter! The teleporter room! Perhaps! It used! The teleporter! To! Teleport! Into! The teleporter room!"

ZOXOR: "That is a reasonable assumption, Captain."

The Captain approaches the body of the operator. The Doctor stands with him.

DOCTOR: "Captain, he's DEAD."

CAPTAIN: "Jimmy! My good friend! I knew him, Horatio!"

.....

Jason walks the halls of the starship, leaving bloody bootprints behind with every step. A crewman starts to walk by the other way, sees Jason, and turns and runs. Jason runs after him, holding a bloody knife high. You hear the crewman scream.

.....

In the medical bay, the Doctor is treating a wounded patient. The Nurse walks in carrying a large box.

DOCTOR: "What's in the box?"

NURSE: "More dismembered crewman body parts. They're finding them all over the ship. I have..." (she looks inside) "... it looks like two legs and a thigh."

DOCTOR: "Two legs and a thigh?!? This is a hospital deck, not a fried chicken restaurant! Go put them in the morgue with all the other body parts. We'll have a lot of work to do next shift to sort them all out."

The Nurse takes the box to a door which automatically opens in front of her, revealing Jason standing there. The camera focuses back on the Doctor and his patient. The patient starts freaking out at seeing Jason again.

DOCTOR: "The patient's going into shock! Nurse, can you hand me the hyposedative when you're done screaming?"

The Doctor puts out his hand. Jason chops it off, then bum-rushes the Doctor to the ground.

.....

CAPTAIN: "Captain's log! Galactic! Standard date! Six six six! Point! Thirteen! Our ship is! Host! To a! Malevolent entity! It has! Already! Killed! Over! Fifty! Crewmen! And more! Are missing! Half! The entire! Third shift! Has not! Reported! For duty! I am! Concerned! For their! Safety! And for! The rest! Of the ship!"

.....

ZOXOR: "Captain, by plotting the locations of the known attacks along with the last known locations of the missing crewmen, I have been able to produce a map of the attacker's movements throughout the ship. It appears to be wandering aimlessly in a random pattern, which gives us the precise information we need to locate its position."

CAPTAIN: "Excellent! Work! Zoxor! I! knew! You could do it!"

KOMAK: "I will take a team there immediately. It will not trouble us for much longer."

CAPTAIN: "Yes! But try! To capture it! Alive! If you can! I do not! Wish to see! Any more! Killing!"

.....

A door opens in front of Jason, revealing a room that is packed wall to wall with red-shirted crewmen. As Jason stands there surveying the scene, a friendly crewman walks up to him.

CREWMAN: "Hi, you must be new here! Welcome to the recreation room! We have 3-D chess, air billiards, holographic nature suites, all sorts of things. What do you like to do for fun?"

Jason revs up his chainsaw.

.....

Zoxor, Komak, and two unimportant crewmen travel down a hall. Jason steps into view at the other end.

ZOXOR: "I wish to see if we can establish communication through the universal translator. Perhaps we can learn who and why this is."

Zoxor takes a few steps forward.

ZOXOR: "Could you tell us--"

Thunk goes Jason's axe in Zoxor's head.

ZOXOR: "I guess not."

As Zoxor slumps to the ground, Komak need only give a glance to the two crewmen. They attack Jason and are dispatched with a single blow each. Komak, who had stood back and watched because the script called for it, sizes up his opponent and draws his sword.

KOMAK: "You are skilled in the martial arts. I will be pleased to engage a fellow warrior in honorable combat."

Jason kicks Komak in the nuts and stabs him in the back as he falls forward.

.....

Back on the bridge...

CAPTAIN: "There has been! No word! From Komak! Or Zoxor!"

ENSIGN: "No, captain."

CAPTAIN: "Ensign! Janelle! If! I do not return! Within the hour! Send! A distress call! Warn them! Not! to come on board! Warn them! Not! To take! Survivors! Without confirming! That they are! Crewmen! Of this vessel! Helmsman! Kato! Any word! From! Lieutenant! MacDougal?"

HELMSMAN: "No, sir. He was supposed to relieve me half a cycle ago."

CAPTAIN: "Helmsman! Kato! You have! The bridge! Until! Further! Notice!"

HELMSMAN: "Yes, sir."

ENSIGN: "Be careful, Captain!"

CAPTAIN: "Thank you! I should! Be fine! I! Am wearing! A yellow shirt! Not! A red one!"

.....

The Captain walks through a darkened area of the ship where the blood is more than an inch deep. He hears movement nearby. He starts to run over there but slips on the metal floor and lands on his back. He grimaces and rolls over, then pushes himself up to his knees and turns around.

He sees Jason standing a short ways down the corridor in front of him. The surprise causes the Captain to fall on his rear. He then looks down and sees that he is now wearing a VERY RED shirt. The Captain scoots backwards and finds himself against a wall as Jason comes nearer.

CAPTAIN: "No! No! NOOOOOOOOO!"

---

And that is the story of Jason and the Astronauts.


[Edit: I forgot to give Jason a machete. Fixed.]